Sunday, April 30, 2006

Married to a Knitter - An Observation/Survival Guide

This post goes out to all the husbands out there, all my homies with wives, spouses, partners and significant others who knit. Let me here the fella's holla "HO!"

There are pros and cons to being the husband of a knitter. This post will strive to be fair and balanced, just like Fox News (heh...).

PRO #1 - Socks

It turns out I like home-knitted socks. The first pair Teresa knitted my were all blue and varigated, with a funky kinda pattern that I liked. I may risk offending some of you knitters out there by not knowing the same of the pattern or the details. Truth is, to me it's not important. I don't have to know the specific ingredients to creme brulee to know that I like it. Here's the sock:

Pretty neat, huh. Got them just in time for winter and let me tell you, my toes were toasty!

There was a minor issue with the first pair in that the cuff was a bit too tight, making it hard to fit my somewhat big feet in them. (Hey, fella's? Know what they say about men with big feet. Ha ha ha!.... Alright, enough of that kind of humour. The wife's watching)

Notice the hole in the sock. Occupational hazard I'm afraid. But this picture was put in to make a point about homemade knitting. I truly do love it, and will wear my socks until they fall apart. Maybe that's a bit, unthoughtful, considering how much work you knitters put into your art, your creations. But I'm not trying to be insensitive here. All I'm saying is, whatever you knit with love, we will we will wear out of love. As you folks with significant other's know, sometimes love will put holes in things. That's why relationships are sometimes so challenging. Thank god you knitter's are skilled at mending...

My next pair of socks were made of black wool, a colour I requested so that I could wear them with my faux Doc Marten's to the office. Beats white gym sock every time!

Again, you will note that they are a bit linty, and looking quite worn. See my comments above.

Remember... PRO # 1 is Socks.

CON #1 - Those weird knitting blog conversations.

Who the heck is the "Yarn Harlot" and how did she become the topic of everyday conversation in our house?

Actually, I briefly met the Yarn Harlot at a book signing at the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival last year (baaaa....) , and she was a nice and very gracious person. And although I have yet to read her blog or her books (I will, I promise), I will stipulate that she is funny and reasonably well spoken.

Ditto Queer Joe.

But lately conversations around the abode have begun as follows: "Guess what Stephanie posted last week?" or "Did you know what the 'Harlot' said about that?" or "You know, if you want to know more about that subject, you should check out the 'Yarn Harlot' site."

Ditto Queer Joe...

The other thing that may happen is that Teresa, in all innocent and honest excitement, will begin to describe something "really funny" that some knitting blogger and another posted on their site, but I've got to admit with some chagrin, that the way Teresa describes it, it kinda doesn't sound funny. It's because of lack of context and it's the bane of the funny person. Eddie Murphy describes this phenomenon on his marvelous first concert film "Delirious". For those of you who have watched that film, remeber that bit he goes into describing how he and his brother had to bathe together as kids....

*singing* "G.I. Joe is swimmin' in the wateeerrrr.... An' then a big, brown shark caaaame!"

Yeah, remember...? Go ahead and laugh... I'll wait....


Okay, right after that bit, Eddie goes in one of his most the funniest adlibs, where he warns the audience not to try to tell his jokes at the office, 'cause they'll just mess it up. The reason? Lack of context, pure and simple.

Just like those weird knitting blog conversations.

PRO # 2 - Hats

Ever since I was born, God has seen fit to bless me with a big round head. In fact when I was born, I was seven pounds and 10 ounces, and at least 50% of that was head. My body had to sort of grow to fit my head.

Ironically, although I could have used a method to hide, disguise or some what distract people from the size of my head, the shape of my head prevented the use of hats (unless it was winter, thank God for touques). I just have a weird shaped head that does not look good in hats. But, I love hats!

Welcome to my hell.

My wife asks me why I watch the Godfather, over and over again. We'll not only is it a great movie, and a useful primer for how to conduct yourself in the business and political world (it was Saddam Hussein's favourite movie... natch), it was also a pretty good hat movie. Check out the scene with Brando, as Vito, as he walks over to the orange stand, just before Sollozzo's punks pop five caps in his "Sicillian hide". That's a good hat scene. Another scene, Sollozzo and Bruno Tataglia in the bar, just before Luca Brasi get's to "sleep with the fishes". Or, the ultimate hat scene when Michael greets Kay at the schoolyard after three years of hiding. Sharp suit and even sharper hat! I wish I could wear a fedora like Pachino. Last time I tried a fedora on in a hat store, I looked like a lollipop wearing a flying saucer.

Alas, Teresa my dear, knit me a hat as one of her first projects. Since I am aware of what I looked like in a brimmed hat, I asked her to knit me a watch cap.

It was workable. I wore it without any self-concousness.

But then Teresa knit me a "Jayne" hat! Here's a picture of me taking a picture of me wearing the Jayne hat:

Being somewhat a fan of the TV show Firefly, and thus somewhat of a nerd, it is my favorite hat. There are many different patterns of Jayne's hats out in the 'verse (or the blogoshphere), and I would like to get a couple more (Hint, hint Sarah....)

CON #2 - Coercion

Sometimes it's subtle, and sometimes it's worthy of a scene in The Godfather, but Teresa is trying to coerce me into knitting. Or at least spin yarn for her to knit.

It's not going to happen.

I have agreed to raise sheep and/or alpaca if she really wants wool that badly. I don't know if our new backyard can support a sheep/alpaca farm, and I'm sure that I would have to grease some palms at city hall to get the required permits. But I am not going to knit...

... or spin...

... or macrame...

... or cross stitch...

... or crochet... (I have tried crochet at one point in my youth, but like Prez Clinton, I didn't inhale...)

PRO #3 - Slipper's

Over the past year, Teresa has knit me two pairs of slippers, bless her heart.

For some reason we didn't take pictures of them. But they are felted, and warm and very, very comfortable. It's like a walking foot massage.

Love 'em!

CON #3

There is no Con #3. In fact there are no cons to having a wife who knits. Only pro's. Even the con's are pro's. Knitting is love, pure and simple. It is creation and sweat and counting and cramped fingers and sometimes you got to pull all the yarn out and start over again, and sometimes it's just right the first time.

It's remarkably a lot like marriage.

Cheers folks. I am outta here!


Wily Jeneric said...

1. Funny (as to be expected).
2. Amazing - no references to Tang Su Do? I am floored.
3. Speaking of flooring, congratulations on the new house. Did they leave the game cube?? ;)

Alexander said...

We must harness this knitting energy as renewable energy source!

kathy in Juneau said...

How lovely! I'm going to go right home and tell my husband about the funny and poignant knitting blog entry I read today.

miss ewe said...

I *love* him!!! Does he have an equally evolved and intelligent brother?!?!

Sarah said...

I realized I wasn't leaving comments and then thought if I tell you in person I can tell the blog.

It was funny Ali, awww. I picked up the comment on the Jayne's hat and I get it. I'm in the middle (actually the earflaps) of hat number 5 and yours is hat number 6 so you can see why its not finished. I'll make it school knitting and I'll get it done (eventually).